It was a day

I was not a good mom today. It’s only now, sitting in the dark listening to Tarma slurp her dinner (I feed it wet to avoid choke) that I’ve figured out why. Kade hasn’t been doing anything differently than he has all summer, although I did give him the last two weeks of summer “off” from camps or activities and just let him play Xbox with his friends. He was just a lot louder and less considerate than normal, as ten year old’s can sometimes be.

The reasons I find myself with a nasty headache and on the verge of tears in my horse’s stall, instead of fitting in a ride ahead of our weekly lesson tomorrow, are complex and universal right now. I’ve been managing my company’s COVID quarantine team since December, and we had a few months where we are only seeing a handful of cases each week, among the five sites over three states we have US based facilities in. The past three weeks have been a meat grinder, eerily similar to last year. It seems everyone and their kids and roommates are sick, and not enough folks are vaccinated. My team has been putting in 9 hour days and more to keep up. I have urgent “day job” projects I can’t touch now, as my days are filled with calling folks, suggesting testing and endless emails. I know it’s not a drop in the bucket to what our healthcare workers are going through, and that’s depressing.

On top of that, I’m desperately worried and already defeated about this school year, like every other parent with half a brain. Tom and I are vaccinated, but Kade is still too young. Oregon is requiring masking and teachers and staff be vaccinated, but there’s strong pushback and vitriol in my small town, as in most every place. It’s hard to be optimistic or feel safe about staying in person school, which both Kade and I need. Its horrible and defeating to feel like I’m gambling with my kids health like this, caught between two requirements, a healthy, alive kid and one in a safe, healthy learning environment with his peers. My teeth ache from grinding them at how privileged we are, that I’m just now really worrying about that choice. No way forward is quite right, and that’s as sad as it is enraging.

I’m not even pleading with folks to get vaccinated. The reasons folks are against the shot are many and varied and wiser people than me have worked tirelessly on the subject. I’m asking folks to be smart, to care about other people, and even that seems like too much these days. Normally I’d try to end on a lighter note, but that’s all I’ve got today.

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After years of borrowing horses, working to ride and catch riding, I finally have my own horse, a spicy chocolate mare...but also a demanding day job (who doesn't?), a nerdy husband, a soccer loving kid who needs to be parented (by me, duh), and searching for our next adventure pup.

4 thoughts on “It was a day

  1. Privilege does not prevent stress or fear. It can’t free you frim having to make the really hard choices in life. Sometimes it just means you have more choices, or better options to pick from, but you still have to navigate the world being the best person you know how to be. Right now the entire universe feels like we are on the bottom turning of the wheel and everything is very hard. You are doing your best, and that is enough.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is hard. Especially for people with children and the craziness over schools, masks and vaccines. Keep doing your best and keep hoping for the best. It is all you have. It is all we all have.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. As if life weren’t complicated enough . . . Then COVID, with all its various ramifications, enters the picture. Just being in the presence of horses, not even doing anything with them or interacting in any traditional way, can certainly be calming when we have a lot on our minds. Glad Tarma could be there for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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