It’s been a bit of a mixed week in the Morse household. I came back from my “No Responsibilities Mom Trip” to the hot springs in Eastern Oregon feeling…human. I was happy in my skin, calmer and relaxed and dare I say it, myself again. I, of course, immediately ruined the mood by opening my work emails Monday morning and not stopping for breath until Tom got home, at which point I refused to cook dinner as I had no brain cells left. Transitions, back from vacation and diving into work, are rough.

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I picked everything back up on Tuesday with more grace. My team hit a milestone (worth a few pats on the back!) so I was able to cook dinner and do all the normal things. That’s my new bellwether for how my day has gone: Can I manage my day and emotional load well enough to follow the directions for the Hello Fresh meals? One of my friends, an artist, whipped up a basic tattoo design for me, so now I’m shopping around for an tattoo artist willing to work with a first timer.

Wednesday made me sad. My trailer, which I ordered back in March, has been pushed out yet again, with delivery maybe possibly after Thanksgiving. It feels like such a selfish thing to want something so non-essential so badly, but it’s where I’m at. On the other hand, I had a solid two hour conversation with my boss, exploring what the next few years will look like for me career wise and if I’m going to seek a Master’s degree (my company pays for degrees that are relevant to the business, if you maintain a certain grade average and stay a year past your graduation date). However, only a few of the fields I’m interested in would Lam pay for directly, so my boss mentioned a law degree as a possibility (not to be a practicing attorney, but a corporate lawyer). I’m more leery of that idea, but it’s worth looking into at least.

Tarma is also being…a puzzle. After our trip to Sheep Springs, she’s been more standoffish and less relaxed with me than usual. It took me a heartbreaking hour to catch her in the pasture for farrier day; it’s never taken me more than a few minutes, and if it were a normal day I would have left it alone but she needed her feet done. Even just asking her to ground tie so I can clean out her hooves and brush her seems a bit much these days. As with all things horses, now I have to figure out what’s going on and where to go from here. She’s in a much larger herd suddenly, with her main gelding friend leaving for another barn and a recently gelded 5 year old to teach some manners to. I also have saddle fit issues to look into, a body worker to call out (if I can find one I trust not to just give me false info or make things worse), training holes to consider, fitness, a magnesium deficiency? Whatever is going on, outside or inside, we’re not saddling up and riding anytime soon. I don’t think it’s back to square one, I can read her a bit better now, though clearly there’s some detective work to do.

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Last night I found some new treats at Wilco, so I brought her into the arena, took her halter off, and just stood in the middle while she rolled a few times. All I asked of her was allowing me to touch her, hang an arm over her back, and she didn’t walk away once. Today on my lunch break I’m going to watch her in the field and how she moves with the herd, no halter and no agenda, and see if she even gives me a glance or two. The puppy and I will take a stroll around the recently harvested filberts orchard, and then he’s off to the vet for his final series of puppy shots.

The other major thing on my mind is the Great Truck Hunt. When I purchased my F150, it was always with the understanding that I would be upgrading it to a bigger truck, eventually. Well cue a pandemic world changer and with a trailer on the way, plus our standing agreement to never have more than one car loan, and possibly going back to school, the last thing I want to sign up for after we pay off Tom’s car is another chunky loan. That said, after hauling a travel trailer with my friend’s Ram 2500 over to Eastern Oregon and back…I want a bigger truck, during the worst time to try to find a reasonable deal on a truck. This begs the question, should I set up and keep mine for a few more years, trade it in and pay cash for a slightly older truck, or go ahead and buy a newerish truck late next year? At least with the last big trip of the season behind me, these questions are not as urgent, but they are what I turn to in the brief moments between emails and letting the puppy out to pee and contemplating maybe doing a grocery list and taking the kid to the dentist. Can I go back to the hot springs and float under the stars now?